Guest Post: On Dating (Or Something Like It)

I'm happy to announce that today's blog post is brought to you by your dear Auntie Janelle, who has so kindly agreed to advise you on the world of dating, which your father and I no longer navigate and so cannot intelligently speak about. And so without further comment, I'll let Auntie J take the stage...



Hello children. This is your Auntie. Not by blood. But by self-given title. (Brenna, is that okay? (Yes.)) Your mother so graciously invited me to contribute to this, a blog for ye. And I feel it is my duty to let you know what’s going on in the world of dating. Your mother and father, wise though they may be, are no longer on what we hip kids call the “dating scene.” They’re “out of the game.” “Arthritic with the hitic.” “Slow on the peeko.”

(Some of those I made up. But use them, please.)

So here I am. To fill in the gaps.

Your Dating Options:

The Nighttime Prowl—It’s great, I won’t lie. It’s fun to pick people up after a few vodka-sodas and a couple of listens to “This is how we do it,” but honestly—is that how you’re going to find true love? Probably not. Enjoy those days in college, two to three years after (four if you need it), and then move on. Otherwise you’re in for a world of hurt. Or VDs. (What are they calling them in your days, I wonder.)

Online Dating—choose your site wisely. Some are for hook-ups. Some are for “just add water” weddings. Others are for Single Christians. Non-single Christians. Non-single Non-Christians. Dog-lovers. Cats Anonymous. Left-handed Turkey Shooters with a Limp. Like I said: Choose wisely.

Prostitution—Ha! Only if you’re Julia Roberts. (Seriously, don’t.)

Blind Dates—So much depends upon who sets you up, a mutual friend, in a red sweatshirt. Or an actual blind woman, drenched in rain, standing by the white bus. I say go for it. Unless it’s the blind woman deal. Then—who am I kidding—go for it!

Ask a random man out for sushi—Best idea I ever had. And then the worst(????). I’m still trying to figure this out.

What’s worked for you, Auntie? you ask. Meh. I don’t know. Nothing? Everything? A constant-inability-to-make-an-assessment/decision—that’s how my dating goes. Kind of? Maybe? To a degree but not to like 100 degrees (Celsius) or anything. I think. Am I making any sense here?

WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!?!?! THE WORLD IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL ON AN AXIS THAT I CAN’T EVEN COMPREHEND!!!! OR CALCULATE. OR PICTURE. AND WHAT ABOUT BIRDS!?!?!??!?! (An example of a moment of spontaneous melodramatic combustion, something your Auntie is prone to these days. And something you, too, will go through as you traverse DateLand, where you will question everything you do (and do not) do. Do. Do. Do.) Good luck, kiddo(s). And give me a call once in a while, would ya?