Fun-Time Cooking Tofu Party.

Children, guess what. Your mother learned how to deep-fry things. This has had an extremely positive impact on your parents' marriage, so be grateful, even if it means you eventually develop hypertension, heart disease, and Type Two Diabetes.

Anyway, this is the story of how I turned this boring little box of tofu...

into THIS sexy plate of deep-fried goodness.

Or at least it was going to be, but after I photographed the dessication stage (which, obviously, involves pressing the tofu with a stockpot weighted by a a 25-pound dumbbell), I got so distracted by trying to photograph my reflection in the side of the pot that I forgot to document all the intermediary steps.

So know this: your mother is a deep-frying genius. And sorry about how fat you all are.