Illinois Laws.

Your father and I were happy to see, children, that his new employer takes Illinois state laws very seriously. As an environmentalist and generally "crunchy" member of society, I greatly appreciated that Kaplan Test Prep made clear in its new-employee onboarding documents that it does not condone the waste and destruction associated with unnecessary use of paper products.

Congratulations, corporate America. Another resounding victory for the planet.

How to Beat the Corporations at Their Own Game.

Children. In case your father and I are dead and you are forced to live on your own without telling any adults about your predicament, rather than risk being separated in the state's foster care system, I have some important advice for you.

When washing the clothes, please note that the corporations that make laundry detergent try to trick you into using far more than you need for a single load by making caps much larger than a "single serving" of detergent.

Proof: this diagram included (in a very out-of-the-way place) on the back of a detergent bottle.


So save yourselves some serious money. Only use a fraction of the detergent, and get your clothes just as clean.


Another way to feel as if you are beating corporations at their own game is to put on pajamas and drink a beer in the middle of the afternoon, while rereading a favorite novel, even though you feel as if you should read one of the thousands of great novels that you haven't yet read.


I don't know if this has any actual effect on the corporations, but I'll let you know as more research becomes available.

The Rumors Are True.

Yes, future children, I'm sorry to say that the murmurings you've heard on the street are not unfounded. Your father and I recently succumbed to the pressure of our contemporaries and brought (gasp) a television into our home.


However, we feel we maintained a modicum of dignity in the affair: we got this TV for free, from a friend who had plans to discard it (even though it's still got plenty of life in it, let me tell you!). This, of course, means we did NOT contribute to capitalism or corporations in any way. Except when we had to buy an antenna and digital converter box so that we could actually watch it. And there weren't any locally owned boutiquey stores selling hemp-based antennae and converter boxes, so we had to order those from Amazon. (Shudder.)

Oh, and we only get CBS and ABC. And three channels about Jesus, one of which is in Spanish*.


*I must say, this last channel really gives us trouble, because we of course don't approve of religious programming on principle, but we do approve of programming that promotes multiculturalism, so we're absolutely torn apart trying to decide whether or not to detest it. And that, my children, is how TV ruins people's lives.